The overlooked psychology of laughter, co-regulation, and emotional flexibility
People tend to treat laughter like a bonus feature of life. Awesome if it happens. NBD if it doesn’t.
And psychologically, I think we underestimate it significantly.
I was recently interviewed by Nice News about the science of laughter and wellbeing, and one of the things I kept coming back to was this: humans regulate each other’s nervous systems far more than we realize. Not just through deep conversations or major life moments. Through tiny, seemingly insignificant interactions – shared laughter, inside jokes, a meme sent at exactly the right moment, laughing so hard you can’t breathe during an otherwise awful week.
These moments can look trivial from the outside. They are not trivial. They are often moments of co-regulation, and that matters more clinically than most people know.
Mental health is more relational than we think
A lot of people approach mental health as if it is entirely individual. Meditate more. Optimize your morning routine. Journal correctly. Manage your stress more efficiently. Fix your thoughts.
Some of that can genuinely help. But humans are not designed to regulate in isolation all the time.
We calm each other. We energize each other. We stress each other out. We soften each other. We help each other feel safe enough to loosen our grip a little. That is part of why laughter matters psychologically — not because it magically cures anxiety or eliminates stress (let’s not overclaim here), but because shared laughter often signals something important to the nervous system: you are safe enough to unclench for a second.
And honestly, a lot of people are walking around emotionally clenched all the time.
The rigidity problem nobody talks about
This is something I see clinically over and over.
People become intensely achievement-oriented, productivity-focused, scheduled, efficient. And over time, life quietly starts feeling less playful and more performative. Everything becomes serious and strategic and useful and measured. Rest turns into a task. Joy becomes something you have to earn. People stop playing, stop laughing easily, stop feeling emotionally flexible — and they often don’t notice this happening until it’s been going on for a while. It just slowly starts feeling normal.
As a psychologist, one of the things I pay close attention to is not simply “how distressed is this person?” but also “how rigid have they become?” Because psychological rigidity tends to show up everywhere: perfectionism, anxiety, burnout, depression, relationship conflict, emotional exhaustion, chronic stress. People lose access to spontaneity. To flexibility. To fun. And that matters more than people think.
Why humor creates flexibility
One of the reasons humor can be psychologically healthy is that it interrupts rigidity. Not by denying reality. Not by pretending difficult things are fine or by positive-thinking your way out of suffering. But by helping people shift perspective briefly.
Humor creates movement. It loosens certainty, softens intensity, reconnects people socially, and helps them zoom out enough to breathe. Research on psychological flexibility from the ACT literature supports this: the capacity to hold difficult experiences lightly — rather than controlling or avoiding them — is one of the strongest predictors of long-term wellbeing.
Sometimes the healthiest person in the room is not the most productive or emotionally controlled person. Sometimes it’s the person who is still capable of genuine play.
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I say this as someone who genuinely values humor
I love laughing. I have done improv. I intentionally use it even when keynote speaking because people learn and connect better when they feel emotionally engaged rather than emotionally armored. Some of the most psychologically healthy moments in life are not the polished ones. They’re the ridiculous ones, the unplanned ones, the moments where people stop performing adulthood for a second and just become human together. Increasingly, I think many adults are starving for that.
One important caveat: humor can also become avoidance. Sometimes people use it to deflect pain, keep conversations emotionally shallow, or sidestep grief, fear, or intimacy. That is different. Healthy humor tends to increase connection rather than block it. You can usually feel the difference from the inside.
We may need less optimization and more humanity
Modern culture encourages people to optimize nearly everything: sleep, nutrition, exercise, productivity, focus, emotions, relationships, parenting, stress. At some point, many people stop relating to themselves like humans and start relating to themselves like ongoing self-improvement projects. That is exhausting.
Mental health is not simply about becoming more efficient. It is also about flexibility, connection, meaning, play, and feeling emotionally safe enough to loosen your grip on life occasionally. Sometimes healing looks less like “fixing yourself” and more like reconnecting with parts of yourself that became buried under pressure, overcontrol, or years of just surviving.
If that sounds familiar, that is something evidence-based therapy in New Jersey can actually help with. Approaches like CBT and ACT are specifically designed to build the kind of psychological flexibility that makes life feel more manageable — and more like your own.
So where do you actually start?
Probably with less optimization than the internet is suggesting.
Notice who helps your nervous system soften. Notice where you still feel playful. Notice whether your life has quietly become emotionally rigid. And if it has, that does not mean something is wrong with you. It may simply mean you have been surviving for a long time without enough connection, flexibility, support, or space to breathe.
Humans regulate better together. We always have. A good therapist — and a good laugh — can remind you of that.
Thinking about starting therapy in New Jersey, New York, or online?
At The CBT Center, we offer evidence-based individual therapy, couples therapy, and virtual therapy across NJ, NY, and 40+ states via PsyPact. Our clinicians specialize in anxiety, depression, OCD, and helping people build lives that feel more flexible, connected, and worth showing up for.
About the Author
Dr. Michelle Drapkin is a licensed psychologist, board-certified in cognitive behavioral therapy (ABPP, A-CBT), and the founder and director of The CBT Center in New Jersey. She earned her doctorate from Rutgers University and has been practicing for more than 20 years. She keynotes at national conferences and trains therapists in CBT and Motivational Interviewing at the state, national, and international level.
The CBT Center serves clients throughout New Jersey, New York, and 40+ states via PsyPact, offering individual therapy, couples therapy, family therapy, and specialized treatment for anxiety, depression, OCD, insomnia, and more. Their mission: Better Access to Better Care.
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