Today, I was driving to daycare after a hard morning (after a hard week…after a hard winter) of parenting and thought, “it can’t be this hard for everyone. I must be doing something wrong.”
As my mind started to run a greatest hits of all the times I’ve been a bad parent, I turned the corner and spotted a man holding a toddler’s hand in the parking lot. She was doing a two-year-old’s signature move of protestation — the one where they try to flop to the ground and make themselves as heavy and wiggly as possible, requiring superhuman strength to move them. The sound coming out of her mouth was one only a toddler can make. The dad looked a familiar combination of exhausted, frustrated, and stressed. It was as if the universe answered: “It’s not just you.”
What Is Self-Compassion, Really?
Dr. Kristin Neff, a psychologist and leading researcher on self-compassion, tells us that one of the most important elements of self-compassion is the recognition of our shared humanity. Compassion literally means “to suffer with” — it is, by definition, relational. The pain I feel in difficult times is the pain you feel in difficult times. Different triggers and intensities, but more or less the same experience.
Self-compassion is not about lowering your standards or letting yourself off the hook. According to Dr. Neff’s research, it has three core components: mindfulness (acknowledging pain without over-identifying with it), common humanity (recognizing that suffering is part of the shared human experience), and self-kindness (treating yourself with the same warmth you’d offer a good friend).
After finally getting the kids settled into the building and giving the dad a nod of solidarity, I rushed off to work. At a red light, I practiced a quick yet powerful skill I frequently teach to my therapy patients: the self-compassion break. Here’s how it works.
The Self-Compassion Break: A Step-by-Step Guide
The self-compassion break is a brief, structured practice you can do anywhere — in your car, at your desk, or in the middle of a hard moment. It has three parts.
Part 1: Mindfulness — “This Is a Moment of Suffering”
The first step is simply acknowledging that things are hard. When things feel hard, we sometimes respond by getting harder on ourselves. I was criticizing my parenting and morning organizational skills while already struggling, which was only adding fuel to the shame fire.
Instead, name it. You don’t need a long meditation — even a single phrase works:
- “This is really tough.”
- “I’m having a hard moment.”
- “I’m stressed. I’m struggling.”
The goal isn’t to wallow or dramatize — it’s to meet yourself where you actually are, rather than pretending everything is fine or piling on with self-criticism.
Part 2: Common Humanity — “I Am Not Alone”
After acknowledging your suffering, you remember your shared humanity. What’s even worse than struggling? Feeling alone in it.
Part two involves a statement like:
- “I am not the only person who feels this way.”
- “All humans suffer sometimes.”
- “Suffering is a part of life, not a sign that something is wrong with me.”
When I was postpartum and deep in the newborn trenches of nightly feeds, it helped me to do self-compassion breaks and imagine all the people across the world who were also up caregiving. I felt less isolated and more connected — even just imagining others in the same boat.
That dad in the parking lot was my real-life version of this. A tangible reminder: parenting is hard for everyone.
Part 3: Self-Kindness — “May I Be Kind to Myself in This Moment”
Replace the judgments and criticisms with kind words or gestures. What would you say to a friend in the same situation? Your partner? Your kid? Odds are you’d be a lot gentler with them than you are with yourself.
My go-to for part three is asking: “What do I need right now?” And then quietly listening. You might be surprised at how practical the answer is:
- A moment to myself
- Finding my feet on the ground
- A breath
- A kind word — my favorite: “You’re doing the best you can right now.”
- A glass of water
- Texting a friend
- Asking for help
- Letting something slide to the bottom of the to-do list
I’m often surprised at what comes up.
But Wait — Isn’t This Just Self-Pity?
This is the most common pushback I get when I introduce self-compassion to patients. And honestly? It makes sense. A lot of us were raised to believe that being hard on ourselves keeps us motivated, accountable, and on track. Softness, in that framework, equals weakness.
But research tells a different story. Self-pity involves getting stuck in your own suffering, fixating on how unfair things are, and feeling cut off from others. Self-compassion does the opposite: it acknowledges pain without exaggerating it, connects you to the broader human experience, and actually helps you move forward more effectively.
Think of it this way: if your best friend was having a terrible morning, you wouldn’t stand over her and list all the ways she failed before 9 AM. You’d probably make her a coffee, say something kind, and remind her that everyone has days like this. Self-compassion is just applying that same basic decency to yourself.
Dr. Neff’s research also shows that self-compassion is not associated with complacency. People who practice self-compassion are actually more motivated to learn from mistakes and make positive changes — precisely because they’re not paralyzed by shame.
What the Research Shows
The case for self-compassion isn’t just clinical intuition — it’s well-supported by research. Studies consistently show that higher levels of self-compassion are associated with:
- Lower anxiety and depression
- Less shame and rumination
- Increased motivation and resilience
- Greater emotional wellbeing
- Better ability to cope with failure and setbacks
It doesn’t take much time, and it works — maybe not right away, but with practice. After years of self-criticism, learning self-compassion was like learning a foreign language. At first, the words felt awkward and unearned. But after repeated practice, I find myself becoming more fluent. The phrases come more naturally, and I actually believe them.
Try It Right Now: A 60-Second Self-Compassion Break
You don’t need a quiet room or a meditation app. The next time you notice you’re struggling — stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated with yourself — try this:
- Place a hand on your heart or take one slow breath (a small physical gesture helps signal safety to your nervous system).
- Say to yourself: “This is hard. This is a moment of suffering.”
- Follow with: “I’m not alone. Everyone struggles sometimes.”
- Ask yourself: “What do I need right now?” Then give yourself permission to actually answer it.
That’s it. The whole thing takes less than a minute and can be done at a red light, in a bathroom break, or between back-to-back meetings. You can also listen to an audio version here: https://self-compassion.org/practices/general-self-compassion-break-2/.
We’re All in It Together
So now, rather than judging my perceived inadequacies or feeling alone in my struggles, I try to remember: parenting is hard. Life is hard. Being a human is hard. And it’s not just me. We’re in it together.
That dad in the parking lot didn’t know it, but he gave me one of the most useful things you can give another person — proof that they’re not alone. I’m hoping this post does the same for you.
Want to build skills like this with support? The therapists at The CBT Center specialize in evidence-based treatments — including self-compassion practices, CBT, and ACT — delivered in a warm, real-talk environment. We work with patients across New Jersey, New York, and 40+ states via telehealth. Learn more at cbtcenter.org.
About the Author
Dr. Christina Contrastano is a licensed psychologist at The CBT Center in Highland Park, NJ, specializing in anxiety disorders, OCD, trauma, and evidence-based treatment for adolescents and young adults. She is particularly experienced in working with life-threatening behaviors including self-injury and chronic suicidality.
Dr. Contrastano earned her PsyD in Clinical Psychology from Immaculata University and her MA in Creative Arts Therapy from Drexel University. She completed her internship and postdoctoral training at Rowan University.
Her approach draws on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Radically Open-DBT (RO-DBT), Trauma-Focused CBT (TF-CBT), and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). What makes her clinical work distinctive is her integration of dance and movement therapy with somatic and mindfulness-based approaches, bringing a whole-person lens to evidence-based care.
Dr. Contrastano works from a strength-based, trauma-informed perspective, and brings safety, warmth, and yes, humor into every session.
